


Robert's Breakdown in Mauritius

by Robron101



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: Angst, Crying, Guilt, Infidelity, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-28
Updated: 2017-04-28
Packaged: 2018-10-24 20:50:32
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,140
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10749570
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Robron101/pseuds/Robron101
Summary: Robert's guilt is eating away at him...





	Robert's Breakdown in Mauritius

**Author's Note:**

> I don't know where I stand anymore. Sigh.

No matter how far Robert takes them away, Mauritius, or hell, all the way to Timbuktu he can't outrun what he's done. It sits like hot lead around his heart, slowly encompassing the organ which seizes painfully from the guilt and memories. It makes him sick with himself and he can barely look in a mirror and God, when he looks at Aaron. 

Aaron. His Aaron. Robert loves him so much. Aaron is - he's everything Robert knows and he knows he's going to lose it, lose him. And he has no one to blame but himself. Robert doesn't understand why he did what he did other than that he wanted to hurt Aaron because he'd been hurt. It was selfish and childish but at the time he hadn't cared or thought of the repercussions. God he wished he'd thought of how bad he would ruin everything by sleeping with Rebecca. He's never hated himself more. 

The worst is knowing, living with it and lying to Aaron to keep them together. Even the mere idea of losing Aaron is so frightening Robert cringes away from the thought when it pops into his head. This need to make up for it takes over and he surprises Aaron, finds him and kisses him and holds him and dotes on Aaron because he thinks it might be the last time he'll ever get to. 

When Aaron finds out, and Robert's sure he will because how can he keep this time a secret? She's pregnant. Again. How he could be so fucking stupid? When Aaron finds out it will break them. They won't be Robert and Aaron anymore, they'll be those blokes who were together until the selfish one cheated like the rat he is. Robert will be alone again. Robert doesn't know how to be alone. The thought of it is terrifying.

Aaron's at hospital with Liv and Chas. Having Chas around has been a challenge, she hasn't said anything but the looks she gives Robert, likes he's scum found on the bottom of her shoe she wants to wipe off on the grass and be done with. Aaron hasn't noticed or he has but hasn't said anything. She hates him now, and Robert couldn't believe how much it bothers him but it does. Chas had trusted him with her son who's been hurt ten times over in his life, trusting him with Aaron was the highest honor she could bestow upon him and he spit on that trust like it was nothing. 

Robert had faked a headache this morning, saying he'd be fine with a bit more sleep but for the others to go on to hospital to visit Sandra. There was no headache, just more guilt and pain that left him nauseous and wallowing in his own self pity. Aaron deserves better than him, he knows it, Chas knows it, the only person who doesn't know it is Aaron. But Aaron will realise it soon enough as well and then Robert…. At this point he doesn't even know anymore. 

Robert lies awake in bed for two hours after Aaron, Liv and Chas leave. He just replays it all, thinks of multiple outcomes - over half of them ending with Aaron being broken and devastated by him. Robert's not one for tears, he's not like Aaron who lets his emotions pour out of his eyes, but there's this hot burning lump stuck in his throat and it's been there since the morning he woke up next to the biggest mistake he ever made. It aches, making his vision blur, but he hasn't cried. Maybe he's waiting for when it all comes tumbling down and Aaron hates him so much he can't even stand the sight of Robert. Maybe then he'll cry. 

Robert is surprised when the door to their hotel room opens and in walks Aaron with Liv. 

“Still in bed?” Aaron questions, sounding surprised. “Is your headache that bad?” Robert hates that he sounds worried. Aaron shouldn't have to worry over him after… after the horrible things he's done. “Maybe we should take you to a doctor.” 

“M’fine,” Robert mumbles. “How's your mum?” He asked Liv to get Aaron to stop fussing over him. He doesn't deserve it. 

“Just peachy, steady diet of morphine and hospital jello does that to her.” Liv sits in one of the arm chairs in the room, glaring over at Robert. He can't imagine what he's down to offend her now. “Are you gonna lie there all day or did you forget you promised to take me and Aaron out today. We're supposed to go the National Park or whatever.”

Robert remembers. They're supposed to go hiking through it. As a family. He's ruined their family. That hot ball in his throat gets worse and he swallows uncomfortably around it. “Maybe today's not the best day,” Aaron says and sits on the bed next to Robert, reached over and softly brushes his hand against Robert's forehead. The guilt burns in his stomach and he doesn't meet Aaron's eyes. 

“But you promised,” Liv throws out, tone waspish. 

“Well, me and you can go,” Aaron says, trying placate Liv. “We'll have a day together, just the two of us, and Robert can rest.” 

Robert doesn't want to disappoint anyone, he's done enough of that, and he doesn't want them going without him. He wants to keep his small family together whilst he can before he breaks it for good. “I'll go,” Robert says and throws back the duvet, nudging Aaron with his leg so he'll move so Robert can get up. “I did promise after all.” 

“Good,” Liv smiles like she won a great battle. “I'll go get changed. Don't take forever.” 

“Bossy isn't she?” Aaron says with a fond grin after Liv leaves the room. “Are you sure you're up for this?” 

Robert hates how could concerned he sounds. He doesn't deserve that either. “I'm fine. Just a little run down, nothing a bit of fresh air won't cure. I'm gonna shower first.” 

“Want me to wash your back?” Aaron asks with a wicked smile that makes Robert's heart throb with love, lust and guilt. 

“Liv was very specific about not taking too long and you know how she gets.”

“I can be quick,” Aaron smriks. “Can you old man?” 

Robert's chest tightens, already missing their banter and the happiness it fills him with. “I'll show you just how old I am,” he smacks Aaron on his butt and leads the way to the bathroom. Though he's guilty as sin, he's still selfish enough not to deny himself any of Aaron for as long as he can continue to have him. 

****

The park had been fun, hot, but fun nonetheless. They'd hiked for over four hours before Liv complained of being hungry and her feet hurting. They'd invited Chas but she had opted out for having a day to herself. After the park they went out for dinner, which Aaron pointed out Robert had been quiet through. 

He was, but only because he felt melancholy about it all. Watching Liv and Aaron poke fun at each other, Liv trying to swipe Aaron's pint and Aaron smacking her hand away before discreetly letting her have a sip. Aaron's smile could have ripped Robert's heart out alone. 

Back at the hotel Liv goes off to the room she's sharing with Chas to shower or whatever and Aaron and Robert go to their room. “You've been quiet all day,” Aaron says, arms coming up to encircle Robert's waist. “Are you still feeling poorly?” 

“I think I'm just tired,” Robert says softly and closes the distance, hoping to kiss Aaron's worries away. They kiss got a while, slowly, until Robert pulls away and rests his forehead against Aaron's. “You need another shower,” Robert comments then laughs when Aaron's slaps the back of his head. 

“Well you don't smell like roses yourself, mate. We hiked for hours today in the hot sun. You can join me this time?” It's not suggestive this time, just a shower without the benefits and Robert agrees to join him. 

Aaron's out of the shower first, drying off and getting dressed whilst Robert finishes. That hot lump in his throat increased when Aaron had grabbed him, pulled him under the spraying water and snogged him for a minute or two before whispering that he loved Robert. He doesn't deserve Aaron's love. He still keeps back the tears, saving them for a time when he can't hold back anymore. 

He dries off once he's finished and dressed comfortably, they hadn't planned on leaving the hotel again tonight. Aaron stretched out in the bed, telly on some sports match and a bottle of lager in his hand from the mini bar. Robert stands in the doorway of the bathroom, just watching him. 

This gnawing uncontrollable guilt makes him want to retch or drop to his knees and confess, he's not sure which. Right now he's settling for just watching Aaron, his husband and best friend. “You alright?” Aaron asks without taking his eyes off the TV.

“Yeah,” he whispers softly. But he's not, he's far from it. He suddenly feels cold and lonely and he knows he can make that go away if he goes and joins Aaron on the bed. “Spread your legs,” Robert tells him as he climbs onto the bed over Aaron. 

“Oh,” Aaron smirks and does but Robert isn't going for that. He does the opposite and moves between them, laying down and resting his head against Aaron's stomach. “Rob, are you sure you're alright?” 

“Yeah I just - I just wanna lay here, if that's okay?” He's on his side, facing the door, one arm wrapped around Aaron's leg. “Can I just stay here?” 

“Of course,” Aaron says, his voice filled with worry. Robert's never like this, clingy to the point of crawling into Aaron's lap but he can't help it. He needs to be close. They're like that and sometime later Aaron's fingers start carding through Robert's hair. That guilt surges so hard inside him, that hot ball in his throat doubling as his eyes turn glassy with tears. He tells himself he won't cry, won't breakdown because he's not ready. That is until Aaron sighs and it's so fucking content that Robert loses it because he knows what he's done and how bad he's fucked up. All that hatred he has inside himself, the guilt and pain and selfishness takes on full force, hitting him like lightening. He starts to cry. 

Softly at first, just a few tears, then a small sob rips out of him to alert Aaron who instantly stills his hand on Robert's head. “Hey… hey what's wrong?” The floodgates have opened and now he's bawling, gripping tight to Aaron's leg and burying his tearful face into Aaron's stomach. “Rob. Come on, Rob, talk to me. You're scaring me.” 

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry,” his cries, the words muffled by Aaron's body. “I'm so sorry, Aaron.” 

There's a moment of silence and Robert's to afraid to look up at Aaron to see what's playing on his face. “What did you do?” Aaron finally asked, voice low and worried. Scared. 

“I've ruined us. I'm just so fucking sorry,” Robert's shaking and clinging to Aaron, knowing this might be the last time he gets to be this close. “I can't even say it. I'm so sorry.” 

Silence again as Robert cries, body heaving so bad he's afraid he might get sick. “It's okay, Rob. I need you to calm down so we can talk about this.” Robert shakes his head, gripping tighter to Aaron and hating himself more for the fear he's creating in Aaron. “Whatever it is, we'll get through it. Just tell me.” 

“I-I can't, can't say it. It'll break us.” Aaron tenses for a long while and Robert thinks maybe he figured it on his own. There's only a few things that would truly break them and trashing The Mill isn't one of them. Aaron slowly relaxed and continued running his finger through Robert's hair. 

“Then don't tell me,” he rasps like he's going to start crying. Robert chances a look at Aaron, he doesn't look angry or mad, just a bit sad and disappointed. Robert cries harder and holds tighter. “Just tell me one thing, whatever you've done is it going to come back bite us in the arse. I don't want to be blindsided.” 

“No. It won't,” Robert says vehemently. _I won't let it,_ he thinks just as strongly. It should be taken care of by time they go home, and if it hasn't then he will make sure it's taken care of so Aaron doesn't have to know. It's Robert's mistake, just like the first time and just like the last time he knows what needs to be done. He won't allow her or that - he cringes before thinking the word - _baby,_ ruin what he has with Aaron. His love, life, _everything_ belongs to Aaron and Aaron alone and he won't share it with anyone. 

Robert's tears start to subside but his body still heaved with dry sobs and he remembers why he hates crying. He's exhausted now. “I'm sorry, for everything. Crying on you and screwing up like always.” 

“We both screw up, Robert and there's nothing wrong with crying, sometimes you need to. Or you could be like me and cry so much it's professional.” Robert snorts at Aaron's joke and is again reminded why he hates crying. The snot alone is disgusting. “I love you and I know you love me. Whatever it is, we'll be fine.” 

Robert hated the flare of hope that flickered to life inside him. How did he get so lucky to have someone as amazing as Aaron. He truly doesn't deserve him. 

Robert laid on him a while longer, not ready to move and Aaron didn't try and force him to. It was about an hour later when Robert finally got up to clean his face and get a drink of water in the bathroom. 

“I'm gonna go check on Liv and mum, will you be alright for a moment?” Aaron asked through the door of the bathroom.

“Yeah. Promise.” Robert shouted back. When he came out of the bathroom Aaron was still gone. Another hour went by and still he didn't come back. His gut clenched, terrified suddenly at the prospect of Aaron not coming back at all. 

He walked quickly from the room, down the hall to Liv and Chas’ room. The door was askew and he was able to hear Chas and Aaron talking inside. 

“So you knew?” Aaron asked. “When you came to see me in prison you knew what he'd done?” 

“I wanted him to tell you the truth, love but when I saw you in prison you looked so broken and on the verge of a breakdown. I didn't want you to do something stupid so I told him to keep what he did a secret. Listen, what he did-” 

“Don't. I told you I don't want to know.” Aaron snapped making Robert flinch. “I'm not sure I could handle whatever it is. I mean, what if what he's done is so bad that I can't forgive him. I'm not ready for that mum. I'm not prepared to lose him. I'm not sure I'd survive it.” 

“Alright,” Chas says softly, “I won't tell you, but you should know that - and as much as I hate to admit it ‘cause I hate Robert - I'm positive he hates himself for it and he regrets what he did. He surprisingly really loves you.” 

“So hard to believe someone can love me?” Aaron's tone is light, joking, but underneath it's a serious question the squeezes at Robert's heart. 

“You're easy to love, Aaron. It's surprising that _he_ can love anyone. But he does love you. I guess you'll have to remind yourself off that when or if you discover the truth.” 

“I feel like it's staring me right in the face, I just don't want to connect the dots to get there. I'm too afraid.” 

“There's nothing wrong with being afraid,” Chas tells him. They're silent for awhile and Robert decides to slip away at that time, going back to his and Aaron's room. 

When Aaron comes back, Robert's on the bed under the duvet waiting on him. Aaron stands in the doorway just looking at him for a few minutes before shaking his head. He shuts the door and kicks his shoes off before climbing in with Robert. “Chas and Liv alright?” 

“Yeah. Liv was downstairs in the lobby on the phone with Gabby so I chatted with mum for a bit. I thought tomorrow we could go to the beach after visiting Sandra in hospital. You could do with some sun.” 

“Saying I'm pale?” Robert asks with a raised eyebrow. 

“Well to be honest I couldn't even tell you were wearing a white T-shirt yesterday.” Robert reaches over pokes at Aaron's side, earning a giggle and sharp look from Aaron. For a moment it's like Robert never had his breakdown but then Aaron turns solemn before clearing his throat. “Are you okay?” He asks Robert. 

“Not really,” Robert says truthfully. “I'm terrified of losing you.” 

“Yeah. Me too. But… whatever happened, happened. You can't take it back but maybe I can find a way to handle it, for the both of us.” 

“You don't even know?” 

“Doesn't matter. I'm not giving up on this, us. It means too much. When I was in prison, you and Liv got me through it, knowing each day I'd come home to the both of you one day and we'd _finally_ start… just… being. That's all I want.” 

“Me too,” Robert whispered, searching for Aaron's hand finding it, slotting their fingers together. “May I… lay on you again? Promise not to cry all over you.” 

“If you do it's okay,” Aaron promised. He got underneath the duvet with Robert and got comfortable then waited for Robert to situate himself between Aaron's legs, draping the top half of his body on Aaron's, face pressed to Aaron's neck. 

They were silent, only sound their breathing and in the silence their hands linked together again. “I love you,” Robert said breaking into the quiet.

“I love you,” Aaron said back instantly. 

Robert closed his eyes and breathed deep, taking in Aaron's smell. If the truth comes out he's sure he'll lose everything. The guilt isn't so bad now, still there but not as suffocating. He's sure one day he won't have Aaron and that, well that fucking terrifies him. Until then he's going to soak up every bit of Aaron he can. He'll treasure these moments and remember them as the happiest days of his life. For now he's just going to be.

**Author's Note:**

> No beta so all mistakes are mine.


End file.
